Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
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Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Got him!
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
White parent Vs Arab parents
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.