Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
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dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Effort made
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
*puts my mental health in rice
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee