if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
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Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.