Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
You Might Also Like
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels