Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
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The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
tourist season
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
No way!
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
A choir of Spring onions
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?