I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
You Might Also Like
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
secret recipe
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking