If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot