cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
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ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing