I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
You Might Also Like
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!