I have so many questions.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.