Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I have so many questions.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.