@barryjohnharper: *goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

@barryjohnharper: I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it's a Caesar Salad.

@barryjohnharper: Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

@barryjohnharper: My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.

@barryjohnharper: I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

@barryjohnharper: The older I get, the less 'life in prison' becomes a deterrent.

@barryjohnharper: I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can't do both.

@barryjohnharper: Cats don't tell police where your drugs are.

@barryjohnharper: Oh, you're here. Who's running hell?