@bartandsoul

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

@bartandsoul

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

@bartandsoul

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

@bartandsoul

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

@bartandsoul

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

@bartandsoul

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

@bartandsoul

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

@bartandsoul

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

@bartandsoul

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping