After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
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I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
#CatsOnTwitter
stand with me against insufficient seating
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.