[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
You Might Also Like
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.