Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
You Might Also Like
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend