What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
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Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed