@batkaren: Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
@batkaren: “This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
@batkaren: "I'm more night hamster than owl," I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
@batkaren: SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
@batkaren: The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
@batkaren: "Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?" he asks.
"What's a matter baby?" I ask.
I'm shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
"Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?"
@batkaren: The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
@batkaren: HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
- set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
- find them 3 months later
- look both ways
- slip them into the trash
@batkaren: "Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence," I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…