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Page of batkaren's best tweets

@batkaren : A man approaches me. "You caught my eye," he says.

I look in my hand. "Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!"

@batkaren: Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

@batkaren: “This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

@batkaren: "I'm more night hamster than owl," I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

@batkaren: SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

@batkaren: The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

@batkaren: "Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?" he asks.

"What's a matter baby?" I ask.

I'm shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

"Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?"

@batkaren: The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

@batkaren: HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

- set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

- find them 3 months later

- look both ways

- slip them into the trash

@batkaren: "Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence," I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…