Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of batkaren's best tweets

@batkaren : Do not levitate over flowers

@batkaren: The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

@batkaren: Call me old timey, but I don't stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

@batkaren: As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

@batkaren: A man approaches me. "You caught my eye," he says.

I look in my hand. "Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!"

@batkaren: Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

@batkaren: “This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

@batkaren: "I'm more night hamster than owl," I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

@batkaren: SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

@batkaren: The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.