Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
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How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
How high do the levels go?
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha