I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
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a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order