Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
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My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”