customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
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angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance