@bazecraze

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

@bazecraze

The whole purpose of travel is to return home and discover what your house actually smells like.

@bazecraze

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

@bazecraze

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

@bazecraze

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

@bazecraze

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

@bazecraze

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

@bazecraze

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

@bazecraze

“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”