Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
The whole purpose of travel is to return home and discover what your house actually smells like.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.