If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.