If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
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My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.