Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.