@bea_ker

*amateur magician does tablecloth-pulling trick, knocking everything over*
Cat in audience: Oh, this guy’s good

@bea_ker

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

@bea_ker

[circus school]
“So to tame the lion, you have this whip…”
What if the lion’s too close?
[picking up tiny stool] “we’ve thought of that”

@bea_ker

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

@bea_ker

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

@bea_ker

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

@bea_ker

“Did you guys see me get so mad I flipped a table?”

Yes Tony, we saw it. You’re 46. You have to stop taking your skateboard to restaurants.

@bea_ker

“Surely EVERYONE pisses in the shower?” I protest as I’m dragged out of Ikea

@bea_ker

Judge: The defendant is claiming you’re a nazi. Is this true?

Lawyer: *flustered* er no fuhrer questions your honour

*courtroom gasps*

@bea_ker

[guy bursts into crowded real estate agents]

OK NOBODY MOVE

*from back office*

Aw c’mon man – really? It’s tough enough in this economy.