doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
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At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
🤣🤣💀
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.