[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
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Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing