the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
You Might Also Like
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
“We will wed,” I threatened
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
You look like you would fail a DNA test
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Aight bet