My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
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I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
man: wait
time: no
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”