Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
You Might Also Like
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.