Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
You Might Also Like
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”