My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
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“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair