Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
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Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.