Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
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Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I might carry a baby with one hand.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
not to brag, but mine was free
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.