@behindyourback: 5y/o just told me he's not afraid of ghosts because "they're not even alive"

@behindyourback: *grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don't understand! He's a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

@behindyourback: Satan: welcome to hell, know why you're here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN'T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

@behindyourback: have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

@behindyourback: a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral's not drowned out by the world cheering

@behindyourback: I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said "cool, a yelling party" and then screamed for a bit

@behindyourback: Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

@behindyourback: Twitter's fun because everyone's really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* ... wrestling? that can't be right

@behindyourback: when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right