@behindyourback: have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

@behindyourback: a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral's not drowned out by the world cheering

@behindyourback: I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said "cool, a yelling party" and then screamed for a bit

@behindyourback: Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

@behindyourback: Twitter's fun because everyone's really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* ... wrestling? that can't be right

@behindyourback: when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right

@behindyourback: Your 30's mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.

@behindyourback: it's weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say "well, goodnight" and go to bed in the middle of parties they're hosting

@behindyourback: we're a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi