@behindyourback: If you suddenly stand up and shout "IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE" you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
@behindyourback: *falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
@behindyourback: *at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they're burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
@behindyourback: Now that he's back, Trump's tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
@behindyourback: even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they're on your side
@behindyourback: 11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
@behindyourback: "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online"
@behindyourback: Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let's do it/Let's make people super nervous anytime we're in their personal space
@behindyourback: This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!