@behindyourback

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

@behindyourback

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

@behindyourback

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

@behindyourback

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

@behindyourback

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

@behindyourback

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

@behindyourback

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

@behindyourback

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

@behindyourback

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

@behindyourback

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.