Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of behindyourback's best tweets

@behindyourback : *a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

@behindyourback: Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

@behindyourback: Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

@behindyourback: If Jesus loves me how come he's never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

@behindyourback: If you're afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

@behindyourback: My 1 yr old only says the words "no," "mine," and "bye" and I tried it out and it turns out that's actually all you need.

@behindyourback: Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

@behindyourback: I'm rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you're going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

@behindyourback: The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

@behindyourback: "conference" comes from the Latin "con" meaning "together with" and "ference" meaning "the worst people on earth"