@behindyourback: Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let's do it/Let's make people super nervous anytime we're in their personal space
@behindyourback: This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
@behindyourback: *a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
@behindyourback: Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
@behindyourback: Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
@behindyourback: If Jesus loves me how come he's never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
@behindyourback: If you're afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
@behindyourback: My 1 yr old only says the words "no," "mine," and "bye" and I tried it out and it turns out that's actually all you need.
@behindyourback: Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.