Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
You Might Also Like
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.