[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
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Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
(True)
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Room with a view.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-