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Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
This meeting could have been a cake
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
This one’s “Alex”.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.