@bellicosejason

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

@bellicosejason

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

@bellicosejason

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

@bellicosejason

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

@bellicosejason

If you’re behind someone at an ATM, let them know you’re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.