*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
If you’re behind someone at an ATM, let them know you’re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.