My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
I joined a Cold War reenactment group. We just sit around and act nervous about the USSR.