If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
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me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.