How does one answer this?
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“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
*3.5 thank you very much.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.