So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
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Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.