I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
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*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.