Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.