Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”