There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.