I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
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The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
This guy gets it.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.