Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
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I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME: